(A few years ago, I wrote something funny for my out of office message while on vacation. Now people say they look forward to my next one…here goes nothing.)
The doorbell rang. “I’ll get it,” I yelled to my wife, who was just signing off from her Zoom class for her degree program. I opened the door to find my old friend Doc Brown, with his wild shock of white hair.
“Aaron, there’s no time to spare,” he said. “You and Cacey are celebrating your 20th anniversary this month. A tropical island is calling. We’ve got to get you there on the double.”
“Doc, haven’t you heard of COVID?” I protested. “Everything is shut down. It’s really heavy.”
“GREAT SCOTT, what is COVID? And why is it heavy? Is there a problem with the Earth’s gravitational pull?”
I shook my head. “It’s a global pandemic, Doc.”
“Trust me, Aaron. I’ve built a time machine, powered by the latest in vaccine technology, and it’s going to take us BACK TO THE FUTURE. A time when we traveled.”
I wrinkled my brow. “Did the President approve this? Last year, President Trump-“
Doc burst into laughter. “Oh right, you’re telling me Donald Trump was President? I suppose Piers Morgan was Vice President? And Charlie Sheen was Ambassador to the North Pole?”
My wife appeared behind me, suitcase in hand. “Ready to go, Doc. All we’ve got to do is get your DeLorean up to 88 miles an hour, and we’ll be in the Caribbean in no time.”
“Wait a minute, Doc,” I said. “Are you telling me you built a time machine out of a DeLorean?”
“He did,” my wife said. “And I did the math and it will only take 1.21 gigawatts of power to take us back to the future.”
Doc lost it. “1.21 GIGAWATTS? Well, we’re in California so it’s a tall order, but I’ll do my best.”
Our next door neighbor Biff walked up. “Come on, guys. It’s your anniversary. Time to make like a tree and get outta here!”
If you are deeply confused at this point, you might have been born after the 1980s, and if that’s the case, please go be a responsible American and watch a classic film.
I’ll return to the office on ____. In my absence, my team is standing by to help!