2018’s Epic Out-of-Office Message

(A few years ago, I wrote something funny for my out of office message while on vacation. Now people tell me they look forward to my next one…well, here goes nothing. Picture the Star Wars opening crawl.)

EPISODE 2018: “THE LAST VACATION”

IT IS A TIME OF PEACE IN THE GALAXY. INTREPID ADVISORS, FREED FROM THE TYRANNY OF QUALITATIVE TERMS LIKE “AGGRESSIVE,” “MODERATE” AND “CONSERVATIVE,” USE THE RISK NUMBER TO GATHER ASSETS AND TRANSFORM ENTIRE SYSTEMS INTO COMMUNITIES OF FEARLESS INVESTORS.

SHOCKING HIS COMPATRIOTS, AARON KLEIN IS BOARDING AN INTERGALACTIC VESSEL, WITH HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS IN TOW, DESTINED FOR THE ITALIA SYSTEM. THEY WILL SPEND SEVERAL GLORIOUS DAYS ON THE PLANETS COMO AND VENICE.

WILL THEIR MISSION BE A SUCCESS? WILL “STATS” PROVIDE A NEW WAY TO CONSTRUCT AN OPTIMAL PORTFOLIO OF MEMORIES? WILL “AUTOPILOT” SURFACE THE RIGHT DECISIONS AT THE RIGHT TIME, KEEPING THE MISSION ON TRACK?

OR…WILL FOURTEEN HOURS OF HYPERSPEED (EACH WAY) TURN THE THREE CHILDREN INTO DARK LORDS OF THE SITH?

WE WILL FIND OUT WHEN AARON RETURNS TO THE OFFICE ON MONDAY, JULY 9. IN THE MEAN TIME, IF YOU NEED ASSISTANCE, THE ADMIRALS OF THE REBELLION ARE STANDING BY TO HELP.

— Executive Assistant: Brenda Xing, bxing@riskalyze.com

— Chief of Staff: Micaela Pope, mpope@riskalyze.com